6 Key Steps to Re-Building Your Life after the loss of a love.
Perhaps it has been a divorce, maybe death, or maybe it was an end to a long significant relationship. Regardless of the cause of loss, when our hearts are broken our lives seem to turn upside down. We feel numb; often not knowing which way to turn. We struggle to make sense of it all, and we just do what we have to do to get through the day.
The initial pain of loss is powerful and can feel overwhelming. The memories seem to fill every waking hour. Everything you do, everything you watch, everything you eat, everywhere you go brings back memories of what was. You have sleepless nights, and even feelings of insanity as day by day you slowly take those first steps into a new way of being, into what will become your new life.
How does one begin again?
We know nothing is magic and getting through a loss of an important relationship takes hard work. To rebuild your life takes focus, a commitment to yourself and trust that a healing process is already in action. Nature is a wonderful ally. “When an emotional injury takes place, the body begins a process as natural as the healing of a physical wound,” (How to Survive the Loss of a Love, Colgrove, Bloomfield & McWilliams).
As humans we thrive on things being the same, don’t we? But life is always in transition and often doesn’t turn out liked we dreamed it would. It’s good to know we have nature on our side, and just like that broken leg, our broken hearts will heal. It can also help to know what others have done to get through such a time. Let me share what I know works. It has worked for me and for many others. Here are 6 key steps that if taken, can speed up the process of rebuilding your life and help you realize the new amazing life that awaits you.
Step #1 - Surrender to and Accept the Loss
Sometimes the word surrender can rub us the wrong way. But I would like you to consider the word surrender in terms of acceptance and its power to help us heal after a loss. When you surrender to or accept the loss you have experienced your body is put in a clearer healing state. You are no longer fighting back and using your energy to resist but instead, in surrender your energies are directed to the process of grieving. Grieving is nature’s healing remedy. It is a miraculous healing potion.
When an emotional injury takes place, the body begins a process as natural as the healing of a physical wound. Let the process happen. Trust the process. Surrender to it.” Colgrove, Bloomfield & McWilliams.
Acknowledging your loss is the most important step you will take. Why? Because it will move you through loss and into acceptance which will steadily take you into your new life. And the big bonus? You are much more likely to arrive in better health! Surrendering to the loss goes like this: tell yourself, “It has happened. It is real. It did happen to me.” Say it until you believe it in the very cells of your body. Our minds can be tricky. We need to be reminded that it is true, we have lost that love. If you wonder if you are strong enough, know that you are. As the little book says, “You are alive. You will survive.”
Surrender brings acceptance of the loss and leads you into the significant work of grieving. Grieving can take some people longer than others. This is not a time to compare, or think your grieving process needs to look like someone else’s. Your grieving will take the time and form necessary for you. But also know that to a large degree, grieving will take the time you let it. Time Magazine reported that it typically takes people 5-8 years to recover from a heartbreaking loss. But with the right coaching and support I know you can reduce those years considerably, perhaps to even just months.
Step #2 - Take Good Care of Your self
Now is the time to put yourself first, to do the things you need to do to stay healthy through this period of time. Often there are others to think about as well, but if we are not healthy we usually aren’t very helpful to others. The airline Stewards/esses advise, when the oxygen mask falls, put it on your own face before you help someone else. We are no good to anyone if we don’t preserve our own health.
Stress can cause illness. You can protect you self by practicing self-care. Some ways to do this are:
- Find a group that has experienced a similar loss, experience the healing power of connection. We are not meant to be alone through such times. Turning to one another when rough times occur has been practiced through the ages. Find a safe place to receive support and to be support to others.
- Establish some easy self-care practices like breathing exercises, walking, sitting in the sun, or drinking more fresh water. The power of nature that we receive from water, fresh air, visual beauty all works to support the healing process and to bolster our immune processes.
Just like a broken leg needs a cast, your body needs its own “cast” of good self-care. Practicing easy self-care techniques releases the body natural healing remedies. In addition, experiencing the support and love of a group sustains you in ways that are hard to find in any other manner.
Step #3 - Create a Picture of Your New Life
Envision a picture of the life you want to create. This exercise is a powerful tool, so be careful. The picture becomes your intention and works as a magnet to attract new opportunities your way. When you get tired and discouraged it works to buoy you up, to
actually pull you forward to take the steps necessary
to build your new life.
Here is a fun way to create a vision of your future: get a pencil and paper, turn on some very soft background music, and find a comfortable place to sit. Once you are comfortable take 3 or 4 deep, clearing breaths to relax. Then answer the following questions:
- What do I want my new, amazing life to look like?
- What do I want to do?
- Where do I want to live?
- As I actually picture in my mind the answers to the above - - what do I smell, see and hear around me
- What new friends have I made?
- Do I have a new pet?
- Am I doing a hobby?
- What does the landscape look like?
- What does my workplace look like?
- What are my new colleagues like?
- What new things am I up to?
- What is making me happy and content?
Write your answers down and use the information to write a paragraph or two describing your new future you have just imagined – include all the bits and pieces. The detail is important. Carry this statement with you. Take it out now and then and read through it.
Or you might consider creating a vision board. Buy a nice size piece of poster board. From old magazines cut out and past pictures on to the poster board that represents the vision of your future. Use the answers to the above questions as a guide. Add whatever else might make the vision board just like you want it to look. You might want to give it a title. Once complete, put it in a place that you pass by frequently so you can see it frequently throughout the day.
Your vision of your new future becomes an intention that directs your mind in its new path. When you do not have a clear vision/intention you can more easily become unfocused. But with it, all the forces of the universe can align to make your vision possible. It won’t be long before you will notice things beginning to happen in your life bringing you closer and closer to your new full and amazing life.
The story is told of Bessie who at seventy set an intention to become a world famous photographer. Others thought she was too old and a little silly, and cautioned her not to think too big, after all she was getting up there in years and there were more reasonable things she could do; but Bessie new different. She had things she still wanted to do, and one thing in particular she still had a passion for. She had loved photography since a young girl. Now she had the time to do something with it.
She began to have fun taking pictures and experimenting with light and landscapes. Eventually, she entered a photo contest with some of her better pictures, and lo and behold she won the first prize of $10,000. Her prize-winning photo toured around the world with a Kodak exhibit. When questioned about her success she said very little, except, “We’re never too old to make a dream come true.” I’d like to think that Bessie is no different than you or I. She’s my example of knowing it’s never too late to do something I still have a passion for.
Step #4 - Take Small, Consistent Steps
As I said earlier, nothing is magic. However, when you set a goal and then take action steps to achieve that goal things began to fall into place. Your goals need to be clear and specific as possible. Your first goal might be to buy more local fruits and vegetables (a self-care goal). One of your action steps might be to do research at a local library or to go on-line to locate small farms that sell produce in your area.
Or, perhaps your goal is to create a more supportive and caring environment. An action step could be to call a community service agency to locate that group of like-minded people with whom you want to connect, or look through the classified section of the newspaper to do the same.
Keep your action steps simple, achievable and just a few a week. I’m betting you know the SMART rules to goal setting: specific and significant, measurable and meaningful, attainable and action-oriented, realistic and relevant, and timely and tangible. Then again, don’t forget to let Bessie be your model!
Making your action steps as specific as possible creates a much greater chance of being accomplished than general ideas. Answer these six “W” questions:
- Who (is involved)?
- What (do I want to accomplish)?
- Where (Identify a location)?
- When (establish a time frame)?
- Which (identify requirements and constraints)?
- Why (specific reasons, purpose or benefits of accomplishing the goal)?
Use words like: create, implement, discover, access, improve increase or manifest, etc. Remember to keep it simple. “You can have big plans, but it’s the small choices that have the greatest power. They draw us toward the future we want to create.” – Robert Cooper. Bessie had a clear goal, took the pictures she wanted and things progressed from there.
Step #5 - Evaluate and Revise
Everything you plan doesn’t always work out like you wanted. This gives you an opportunity to evaluate and make revisions that support your success. But I also believe it is impossible to fail, because through every seemingly failure a new lesson is learned, such as how to:
- set a more realistic goal,
- do an action step with someone rather than alone
- recognize the challenge and create your new goal to deal with that challenge
- create smaller or more attainable action steps,
- pace your personal change and learning, etc.
When you look at your challenges and mistakes in this light it helps you curtail self-judgment and eliminate the “down time” typically associated with failure! For most individuals improvement is a gradual and continual process and failures are truly the stepping stones to success!
As you set goals and take action, you will be constantly re-evaluating. In this fail-safe approach, reassessment helps you determine your next steps. Over time, this will give you the ability to set your sights in a way that optimizes your energy and your time.
Step #6 - Celebrate and Practice Gratitude
As you move forward you can do nothing better for yourself and your success as to celebrate your victories and to reflect on all the many things for which you are grateful. Even those goals that didn’t work out, you learned from and made new actions accordingly. They call for a celebration!
“To succeed you need to find something to hold on to, something to motivate you, something to inspire you.” – Tony Dorsett
According to Richard Gorham, learning to celebrate our successes brings many benefits:
- Celebrating our successes allows us to more easily maintain the momentum that we have created.
- Celebrating our successes helps to reinvigorate our minds and our bodies as we take time out to enjoy the fruits of our labor.
- Celebrating our successes reinforces our commitment to continue forward in our quest for self-improvement and personal development.
- Celebrating our successes is a gift we give ourselves for a job well done, in our efforts to make a life that's worth living.
Summary:
The initial pain of loss is powerful and can feel overwhelming. But when you know that the grieving process itself opens up the doors to a new way of being and living, you can move forward more easily with the grieving process itself. You become less fearful and you can give yourself time. You learn that as you reach deeper within you find the courage to move forward and take the steps that will lead you into your new, absolutely amazing life!
Before you know it, you will soon find small victories to celebrate. It is often not easy work and it can help to have a community around you. People find that being with like-minded people to add support along with a facilitated structure makes it easier to successfully move through a significant transition.
If you are looking for a group of like-minded individuals who are rebuilding their lives after a loss of a love and if you think a little structure could make the way easier for you, go to http://bit.ly/tmkFb and read about the Springboard Bootcamp that launches on August 11, 2009.
Are you ready to begin building your new amazing life? Don’t wait any longer. You can do it! And you don’t have to do it alone. http://bit.ly/tmkFb
If you liked this article and would like to read more tips on Leaping Solo, sign up for Coach Marlene’s monthly newsletter and weekly blog at http://marlenelockwood.com.
Marlene Lockwood focuses much of her time coaching women who are rebuilding their lives after the end of a love relationship. She works with both individuals and groups helping them navigate life transitions with more ease, increase life balance, enhance inner peace and improve creativity and vitality. Through their work with Coach Marlene, clients become stronger, wiser, and more in tune with their own wants and needs as well as how to make their desires become reality. They become ready and eager to leap solo into their new amazing life. Marlene is a certified Health and Wellness Coach and Facilitator, qualified Myers/Briggs Assessment provider, and serves as faculty for Institute Cultural Affairs. She received her BSN from CSUS, and her MPA from the USF.
P.S. I am so delighted to connect with each of you through this Ezine. This is a new challenge for me, but one I take on eagerly. I would enjoy hearing from you. Please give me your suggestions on subjects you are interested in as well as your feedback. coach@marlenelockwood.com
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